It’s crazy, but sometimes I feel like a criminal who is constantly being judged by people who know nothing about me or my life, and in the face of this world, the best thing to do is pretend
I don’t pretend to be sick, I pretend to be fine
If you don’t know me well enough or are part of my family, at times you might have come to think that I pretend to be sick. Maybe you think that you can’t be tired all the time or that it’s impossible for someone to live with constant pain and I wish it was like that and I, like many other people, didn’t experience it in the first person pretending to be fine to our family and acquaintances, pretend we’re fine to go to work every day, even though it’s brutal torture and we can only half-fulfill our obligations bloated with pills and painkillers, barely pulling away so that when we finally come home, we cannot even move from the intense and excruciating pain and debilitating exhaustion from which we never recover. But despite everything, I have no choice but to act like I’m fine.
It’s much easier to pretend and try to pretend I’m fine, because then I don’t have to defend myself. I don’t need to explain to anyone that it is possible to live in constant and constant pain. I also don’t need to reproduce the symptoms to someone who feels no interest. I don’t need to justify incessant fatigue. I don’t have to explain why I don’t go to the gym or the pool like I used to. I’d like to be fine, but I’m not.
I really don’t understand why I feel like I have to pretend I’m fine when I’m the opposite. Why does the opinion of others matter so much? Why don’t I care what they think? I am tired, very tired of trying to explain how I really feel, I have explained it to family and friends who have not understood my daily reality, I have even told doctors who have looked at me with a disbelieving face and has told me that what I am saying It is not possible that I am exaggerating the symptoms. Some yes, thank God, but not the majority, and perhaps that is why I have developed great skills as an actor in a role I never asked to play.
It’s crazy, but sometimes I feel like a criminal who is constantly being judged by people who know nothing about me or my life, and in the face of this world, the best thing to do is pretend to people who barely know you or know something about you don’t start giving you advice on what to do without having the slightest idea or they think they know better than me how I am and what affects me or not.
Even if it costs me, I always try to be kind when someone asks me how I am. It’s a question that sometimes almost makes me explode with rage for not being able to tell the truth, but I hold back and try to divert the subject or try to end it with a short “I’m fine”. I could say “today I managed to get out of bed without help” or “I’ve been a little better for a few days where the pain gives me a break” or “this week is hell because I have a crisis”, but this would lead to me having to justify my condition again, having to explain why I feel this way to someone who surely won’t believe me, so the answer is never the truth.
I would like to stop pretending that I am well and be able to show my true condition, I would like those who ask me to do so with a real interest in my condition and not always see or hear how others suspect that I lie when I tell them how it is my real condition.
Do you feel the need to pretend you’re fine when you’re not? Do you want to change it?
If it has been helpful for you, please comment and share. Thanks! 🙂
